Manchester United v Manchester City | Scott Murray:
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HALF-TIME MESSAGES FROM YOUR LOCAL STATION:
Adverts don't have jingles like this any more. And companies no longer hawk televisions, without a box, from out the back of a second-hand Vauxhall Chevette. We've moved forward as a nation, but we've not necessarily progressed.
HALF TIME: Manchester United 0-1 Manchester City. Smalling accidentally whacks Balotelli in the mouth, and that's the last action of the half. Not a classic, but what a finish. "I think the real issue of this first half is where can I get these Mister Potato
Crisps which United are trying to flog," writes Craig Trainor. "I haven't noticed it since the first 10 minutes. Perhaps they realised it was possibly the cheapest, most abysmally designed, billboard in the history of the Premier League." Here you go. They're a global snack partner of the club, so don't be rude, they're our hosts today.
42 min: Anderson has another whack from the edge of the area, but his effort sails wide and high to the left. United are beginning to show signs of recovery, after looking tatty in the wake of Balotelli's goal. "Mention of Bruno S in a Mancunian context should of course prompt a mention of Werner Herzog's Stoszek, the viewing of which finally persuaded Ian Curtis of seminal rib-tickling post punk combo Joy Division to seek an early bath in 1980," writes Ben Carding, providing us all with our light-hearted Sunday afternoon F.U.N. "65,000 United fans will no doubt empathise."
41 min: A painful minute for City. First Aguero is clear, albeit at a tight angle, in the United area to the right. But he hesitates when he should shoot, and the chance is gone. Then Kompany is booked for a cynical tug on Nani.
40 min: Two chances spurned in a minute for United. First Welbeck has Rooney to his left, waiting to break clear into the City box, but his pass pushes his team-mate too far wide left. Then Rooney, wide right of goal, slides the ball into Evans, six yards out in front of goal; the defender miskicks.
37 min: Fletcher is in full flow towards the City area, but Richards sticks out a leg to poke the ball out of his path. Brilliant tackle, not that the Old Trafford faithful see it that way. The crowd set the controls for the heart of the funk-o-sphere seconds later, as Anderson clips Silva on the ankle to concede a cheap free kick 30 yards from goal. The free kick is a dismal business, so much so that I don't want to ruin any expensive reputations here by describing it. (OK, I missed who took it. But it was aimless, and useless.)
36 min: Nani dribbles down the right and slips the ball inside for Rooney, who drops a shoulder and hits a rising shot goalwards. Hart is behind it, though. "What was Balotelli actually booked for?" asks Paul Ruffley. "He didn't display a political message, didn't bare his chest, didn't take his shirt off. Must have been the horrendous offence of having a bit of fun."
33 min: Young's been United's one danger so far. Again he causes minor levels of bedlam down the left. Corner. Young sends it into the box. Hart punches clear, but Anderson's soon sending a shot in on goal from the edge of the area. It's a decent effort, travelling at pace, but the City keeper is right behind it. "I guess that match prediction has blown up in my face," writes Greg Scully (4 mins). "United look like they need a proper tinderbox to spark their fuse in the final third, or they could bomb at home for the first time in ages."
30 min: Auguero takes down a Hart goal kick and suddenly City are on the attack. United break it down easily enough, but Anderson shanks a clearance out of play. Very un-United like. The ball comes back at United, Toure looking for the top-right corner from distance with a rising volley, the shot sailing harmlessly wide. City have United, if not quite rattled, then at least questioning themselves. "You just know Balotelli's got something else written on the back of his t-shirt," writes Patrick Cullen. "He will score again, he will show what's written on the back, and he will get a second yellow card."
27 min: Young skidaddles down the left and lifts a dangerous dipping ball towards the far post. Hart goes down to claim. Rooney tries to release Welbeck down the inside-right channel with a slide-rule pass, but his measurements are a wee bit out, and the ball flies through to the keeper. United are trying to rebuild after that shock to the system; they're still enjoying the lion's share of possession.
26 min: Richards tries to beat De Gea from distance. That goal's given City confidence alright. "With all these shout-outs to Klaus Kinski, we're at risk of forgetting Herzog's greatest find, Bruno S.," suggests James Womack. "He seems to have been a Joey Barton in embryo. From the Guardian obituary:
"Bruno is a man whose life in his youth was catastrophic and obviously made him a 'difficult' person to deal with," Herzog explained. "Sometimes he would stop work by ranting against the injustices of the world. I would stop the entire team in their tracks." Herzog would tell them: "Even if it takes three or four hours of non-stop Bruno speaking about injustice we … would all listen. I would always make physical contact with him. I would always grab him and just hold his wrist. Otherwise, he is a man of phenomenal abilities and phenomenal depth and suffering. It translates on the screen like nothing I have ever done translates on to a screen. He is, for me, the Unknown Soldier of Cinema.""Although I think there is probably a serious injunction in referring to J.B. as the Unknown Soldier of Football."
24 min: That goal's stunned Old Trafford. It was absolutely exquisite. It's stunned United, too, for they're all over the shop at the moment. Clichy's allowed to sprint all the way to the edge of the United area, where he feeds the ball wide right to Silva. The resulting cross into the centre flies just over Balotelli's head.
21 min: WHAT A GOAL!!! WHAT A T-SHIRT!!! Manchester United 0-1 Manchester City. A bit more of time for City in the United half. First Balotelli, then Clichy, both with crossed from the left. Then Silva has a go, romping down the left, then cutting back to the edge of the area. Balotelli runs in, and threads a positively delicious sidefoot into the bottom-right corner. That was pinpoint. He's then booked, of course, for revealing a t-shirt bearing the legend: WHY ALWAYS ME? Herzog documentary, please!
17 min: Clichy hits a raking crossfield pass, left to right, in the direction of Aguero, who's looking to break down the inside-right channel. Evans positions himself brilliantly to cut the ball out, and head back to his keeper. City are beginning to get into the game now, a little bit at least. United still enjoying most of the ball, though.
14 min: Silva goes on a crazy, skittering dribble down the inside-right channel. He falls over at one point, but still manages to bounce up and keep going. He beats four challenges, but United swarm round him and crowd him out. Eventually City win a corner, Richards taking a swipe from distance, the ball ballooning out of play, but the resulting dead ball is possibly the worst ever hit by man or beast, and God knows there's been some competition over the years.
12 min: Young has started this game at full pelt. He latches onto a loose ball, 30 yards out, just to the left of goal, drops a shoulder, and hits a low screamer goalwards. The shot's blocked, though, and doesn't get through to Hart.
11 min: City are struggling to get out of their own half. United can't quite get anything going in attack, though. It's like watching the All Blacks play the All Blacks, or France take on France.
9 min: Milner's minute. First he takes a hopeful punt at goal from 30 yards; it's easily marshalled by De Gea. Then, down the left, he clips an in-flight Young, and does very well to escape a booking. Referee Mark Clattenberg makes a big point of gesticulating NO MORE, PAL, as Richards has already made a couple of loose challenges down the same wing, and we're yet to see ten minutes of play. Expect the yellow card to come out soon enough.
7 min: Another direct run by Young down the left; he's looking to give Richards a torrid time wherever possible. And that's another corner. The ball's sent out to the opposite wing, from where Rooney cuts inside, and looks for Anderson on the far post with a curling, looping cross. The ball finds the United midfielder's head, but only to skim off the top of it. Nice idea, though, and nearly well executed.
6 min: City stroke it around the back awhile, the idea no doubt being to take the sting out of the game. Time to tip the hat to their very attractive blue-and-white hooped socks, a real taste of the 1930s.
4 min: A determined and skilful run by Young down the left. And that's a corner. Life's too short to describe how the set piece pans out. But after that early jitter by De Gea, United have quickly got themselves onto the front foot. "I fear today's game could set a record for the number of TNT-related puns, both by commentators and MBMers," writes Greg Scully. "While I wish I were witty enough to stop this in its tracks, I also fear that the game will be more likely a damp squib than a true cracker, so I have bowed to the inevitable."
2 min: Nani has his first skitter down the wing, haring down the right, the ball eventually bumping out of play. It'd be nice if the entire game pings from end to end like this.
And we're off! The most important Manchester derby
for about six months
since the late 1960s begins. A shaky start by De Gea, who fluffs a clearance under pressure from Aguero. The ball's soon coming back at the keeper, Aguero again making a nuisance of himself down the inside-left channel, Smalling eventually stepping in his way and shepherding the ball out of play.
The teams are out and about! Won't be long now. The time-honoured Mancunian aesthetic: United in their red and black, City in their sky blue with white trim. "Klaus might have been as mad as Balotelli squared," writes Gerard Cullen, "but he produced Nastassja and for that we should all be grateful."
Getting it in the neck all next week, from one manager and set of fans, or perhaps both: Mark Clattenburg (Tyne & Wear)
Manchester City: Hart, Richards, Kompany, Lescott, Clichy, Toure Yaya, Barry, Milner, Silva, Balotelli, Aguero.
Subs: Pantilimon, Zabaleta, Dzeko, Kolarov, Nasri, Toure, De Jong.
Manchester United: De Gea, Smalling, Ferdinand, Evans, Evra, Nani,
Fletcher, Anderson, Young, Rooney, Welbeck.
Subs: Lindegaard, Jones, Berbatov, Park, Hernandez, Fabio Da Silva, Valencia.
Some reading matter to while away the time until kick off: Paul Hayward on last year's derby at Old Trafford, Wayne Rooney's bicycle kick in teeth for City.
Will Balotelli put in another explosive, excellent, extraordinary, monumental and epochal performance today? We'll find out soon enough. The action starts at: 1.30pm.
OK, while we're at it, another. "One day a theatre critic had been invited for dinner. He hinted that having watched a play in which Kinski had a small role. He would mention him as outstanding and extraordinary. At once, Kinski threw hot potatoes and the cutlery into his face. He jumped up and screamed: 'I was not excellent! I was not extraordinary! I was monumental! I was epochal!"
It'll be interesting to see what Balotelli gets up to for his next act. By way of suggestion, just throwing some seeds out there, hoping they take root, here's another tale of Kinski's shenanigans while staying Chez Herzog. "One day, Kinski took a huge running start down the corridor while we were eating. I heard a strange noise and then in an explosion the door came off its hinges, crashing into the room. He must have jumped against it at full speed, and now he stood there flailing wildly, completely hysterical, snow-white in the face. He was foaming at the mouth, and he moved like this. Something came floating down like leaves: they were his shirts. His screams were incredibly shrill. He could actually break wine glasses with his voice. And three octaves too high he screamed: 'Klara! You pig!' The thing was, she hadn't ironed his shirt collars neatly enough."
That was pretty much the greatest bathroom-mania-related anecdote of all time. Until, perhaps, yesterday. Whichever stripe of Mancunian you are, blue or red, you really have to love Mario Balotelli. He's the gift that keeps on giving.
In the 1999 documentary film My Best Fiend, director Werner Herzog speaks of his time living with the actor Klaus Kinski. "Kinski had locked himself in this bathroom for days and nights. For forty-eight hours. In his maniacal fury, he smashed everything to smithereens. The bathtub, the toilet bowl, everything. You could sift it through a tennis racket. It was really incredible. I never thought it possible that someone could rave for hours. They called the police in the end, but they left him in peace."
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